i don't get to see my kids hunt for eggs tomorrow or on EASTEr. STUPID SOMMABITCH!

i am crazy

I hate taking my thyroid pill. It makes my brain weird. i feel like a zombie.

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Dale's parents are not doing so well. It sucks that Harley may never have a chance to meet them. :-/  We are so poor.. but we need to try to find a way for at least Dale to be able to see them one last time. i need a job. What i have now is a joke. i need to think of   something.

Unfinished

Unfinished

This is a little raw...

My skin burns at your touch
Tell me why i want you so much
You drive me crazy with everything you do
Oh i really do hate you
Your such an ass, An annoyance, a parasite
Why do i need you in my bed tonight
You really are a stupid bitch
But you satisfy this undying itch
This pain, this hunger inside
is telling me your what i want, what i need to survive
you cunt , you dick shut the hell up
and get over here so we can fuck

memories gushing through my mind

thoughts of you so crystal clear

they warm my heart when you aren't here

my body aches

and twitches and trembles

without you here

i'm in shambles

i need you here

in my bed

without you

i'd rather be dead

i want you in my arms

i need your touch

without you

it hurts so much

i don't know how

i can go on

cuz it's too late

the love is gone

Hatred

HATRED

Hatred

Rip you apart

Despise you from the start

Let the frear sink in

washing away your sin

no place to hide

want you to die

Hatred

Rape me, hate me

Fuck me, Kill me

Losing my mind

Prisoner in this rage of mine

Cocksucker, motherfucker

want you to suffer

i swore

you won't hurt me anymore

hatred

Rape you, Hate you

Fuck you, Kill you

Will never be the same

This fury's making me insane

cock sucker, mother fucker

want you to suffer

Better run whore

you won't hurt me anymore

hatred

tear you apart

defy you from the start

let the pain sink in

Bleeding away you sin

you make my hatred come alive

want you to die

hatred

38 special

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Our van is going to breakdown any day now. Then we will be pedestrians. Oh joyness. In the little town i live in, that is not a good thing.

 They are suppose to hire the new dietary manager in two weeks, so i will probably be totally out of a job. What do you get from working hard all your life and doing the best you can? What do you get for going above and beyond? The shaft. You get treated like garbage. I love my residents, but i am a moron for staying there as long as i have. 15 years! The last straw should have been when they neglected my dad and basically killed him. Actually it should have been when they fired my sister after 30 years of exceptional service. She was fired because of our new asshole administrator. She didn't kiss his ass enough and she didn't do his mistress' work.

 Walmart fired my hubby almost two years ago. They are so fucking corrupt. He had received a raise a few days prior. They said that he was doing a great job. Then they fire him after he applied for a transfer to another location.

 When my dad passed away we did get to stay in the house, but we had to pay for a new roof and the taxes on the place. And the house isn't even ours. It is so run down it needs so much more work. And we are so behind in the taxes on it, it will be taken away the year after next if we don't come up with the moo la.

 We are so fucking poor, i don't know what to do. There are not many jobs here.. and with our van being craptackular... i dunno what is going to happen. i am worried about running out of money for food. We came close last week. We had to borrow money for my son again. He is almost out. We keep borrowing it and not able to pay it back.

Pretending to exist

i know i am the only one who will read this. That is ok. No one reading this blog is alot better than everyone dissecting it like when you post things on Facebook.  Alot of people's opions on Facebook are pompous and non educated. Many people post things just to be popular.
     
i wish i could get to the point where i can feel ok again. No matter how bad things were i always felt like things would be ok. Not great, but ok. Even when my mom passed away. i missed and still miss her like crazy and i felt angry towards God and the world, but i dunno.. it felt different. Now i don't know what is wrong. Most of the time i can't even think. It is like i am on automatic. i am surprised i can even muster up these few words. This is really big for me. 
As i am writing this it is hard too. I am being annoyed by various things and also my mind is trying to creep back in itself.
i wish i could get drunk. i can't even have a drink anymore. It hurts my body too much. Can't smoke weed. Have no friends, except for Dale and Harley. No activities i want to do or can do. i feel like just like am disappearing. 
The house is so messy and i try to clean it to no avail. When i have the energy too.. when i don't feel sick.. then it is messed up in two seconds by Harley, Dale and the dogs. We are so strapped for money. i work at a place that treats me like shit. Have worked there for 14 years. My health is not good and it is getting worse cuz of my overeating and my lack of exercise.
i don't know what to do.
i miss friends, family, drinking, pot, dancing, singing, reading, writing, exercising, walking, just being silly, going out of town to movies and such, being in good shape, health and mind. i miss me....

i can't kill myself cuz i am the bread winner and i take care of my family. i can't get high cuz i will lose my job. i can't get drunk cuz of my ulcers. wtf do i do? No one reads this freakin crap anyway. i don't know why i fucking bother anymore,.

FUCK YOU